He Could Have Sworn He'd Seen Her Smile
by SuzieQ8487
Summary: Jason loses the woman who taught him everything about life, love, and laughter. His reaction to Courtney's death.


A/N: Hi everyone. It's been a while. GH sucks, as did Jason's reaction to Courtney's death. How'd we know that Pruza would screw that up? Anyways, here's what I would have like to have happened. This is Jason's reaction to Courtney's death. I hope you enjoy it, and I kinda hope it makes you cry. evil face I'm kidding, but really, it's meant to be bittersweet.

* * *

Jason had been pacing the hospital waiting room when he saw Sonny walking toward him. His gut had clenched when he saw Sonny's tear filled eyes. Walking to meet him, Jason asked what happened. 

"Courtney just had her baby." Sonny said softly, knowing the news he would be giving his best friend next would break him.

"I thought she left town." Jason said, confused.

"She came back to be with Nikolas, I guess. It's a boy. I have a nephew." Sonny wiped away a stray tear. "He's in intensive care, and Carly and Jax are there. I wanted to stop by and see him, but I didn't want to cause any problems with Jax, you know." Sonny forced himself to look into Jason's eyes.

"How's Courtney?" Jason asked, wondering why Sonny hadn't mentioned her yet.

"Jason, this is the hardest thing I'll ever have to tell you…"

"Sonny, no." Jason took a step back.

"Courtney died shortly after she had her baby," Sonny said, reaching out to put a comforting hand on his best friend's shoulder.

Ice filled Jason's eyes. Courtney couldn't be gone. It wasn't possible.

"You're wrong Sonny."

"I wish to God I was Jason. I wish to God I was."

Jason felt his resolve begin to crumble, his eyes begin to tear up, his heart began to break. Suddenly, he couldn't even stand.

He slid himself down the wall, placed his head in his hands, and wept for the woman who taught him how to love.

* * *

After the initial shock had passed, Jason realized that he needed to see her. Just one more time. 

He slowly made his way down the hall to where her body was. Jason's heart clenched at the thought. It wouldn't be Courtney, her sweet soul would be gone from her. Her smile, her laugh, he'd never see any of those things again. The tears threatened to fall as he turned into the doorway of her room. He saw Nikolas, clinging to her hand, talking to her as if she was still alive.

"We can go wherever you want on our honeymoon. I know you've always wanted to go to Greece, we can go there. We can live there if you want. Courtney, I love you. I love you." Jason watched Nikolas kiss her hand, her cheeks, her forehead. He realized that he wasn't the only one who lost a woman he'd once loved. Nikolas lost the woman he'd planned to marry. Jason thought of his own wedding in France, and remembered how she'd looked wearing that silk white dress, and him in his stupid tux. He nearly laughed at the memory of the cake. She thought he was going to shove it in her face, but he'd refrained.

Now he was in her hospital room, watching another man hover over her lifeless body.

He cleared his throat. Nikolas turned around, tears streaming down his face.

"God I love her, Jason. I love her so much. I can't let her go. I don't know how." Jason walked over to where Nikolas was sitting, and helped him up.

"Let me sit with her for a while." He said, and got his first glimpse of her. Courtney's usually glowing skin, was a pale ghostly white. Everything about her was smaller.

"She loved you, Jason." Nikolas's words took his eyes off of his ex-wife's body, and onto the man who had yet to leave the room. "She used to tell me that you saved her. Courtney always said that she never understood what love was, until you. So I thought that I should thank you." Nikolas said, clearing his throat.

"For what?" Jason found himself choking up. He didn't deserve this kind of praise.

"For showing her what love could be like, for helping to get her away from A.J., she always said she couldn't have done it without you." Nikolas put a hand on Jason's shoulder and squeezed. "Without you, I probably wouldn't have had the best months of my life, but I did. Because I had her, and I got to love her and feel that love in return, even though it was only for a little while." Nikolas, having said that, turned and walked out of the room, leaving Jason alone with Courtney.

He felt the air between them thicken, it had always been that way. Their blue eyes could meet across a room, and everything else would go away. He would only see her.

Jason sat back down in the chair next to her, and started to reach out to touch her face, but he couldn't. He needed to say some things to her first.

"I'm sure you heard what Nikolas was just telling me. None of its true, Courtney. Everything that you were, you made yourself into. I just happened to be lucky enough to be the man that fell in love with you while it was all happening."

Jason wished he could see her eyes, wished more than anything in the world that he had a second chance, or just one more day to say goodbye.

"I am so sorry. I haven't been around, we haven't kept in touch, and I regret that, Courtney. No one will ever know how much." Jason put his head in his hands and stared at her face, the closed eyes, the thin lips, her pale skin, and he felt the tears come back and slip down his cheeks. He didn't bother to wipe them away, he just let them fall on her cold hand below him.

"You taught me how to love. You showed me how to live, how to laugh, how it was okay to be myself. Everything I am right now, is because of you, Courtney." Jason choked on his words, and finally found the strength to touch her face. His lips curved into a smile.

"You're so beautiful. You always were. Sometimes, I would wake up before you and just watch you sleep," Jason pushed her hair behind her ear. "But you're not sleeping right now, and I wish you were. I wish more than anything that you were just sleeping…" he trailed off and framed her face with his hands.

"I had the best three years of my life with you," he whispered. "Thank you for giving me that. You're with the angels now, and you're with our little girl. Will you tell her that I love her, and that I wish she was here? I wish that both of you were here, with me, where you belong." Jason kissed her forehead and stood up.

"I love you, Courtney," Jason murmured. "I'll never forget you."

* * *

Jason didn't go to see Sam. He went to the loft. He went through pictures of Courtney, through memories, through their life together. Jason walked through the loft aimlessly, dreaming of better times and her smile. He kept picturing Courtney opening that door, and running to him. He even had his arms open, waiting just for her when she got there. And each time, when the door didn't open, and her smile didn't light up the room, reality sank in for Jason just a little bit more. 

His cell phone went off, and he thought about ignoring it, he thought about throwing it out the window, he thought about how many times it had interrupted his conversations with Courtney in the past. He looked at the caller ID, it read 'Jax'. So he answered it.

"Yeah?"

"It's Jax. I wanted you to know that I'm having a memorial for Courtney at the Queen of Angels Church tomorrow. I know she'd want you there."

"Yeah. I'll be there." Jason said, seating himself on the bed they used to share.

"It's at 10."

"Thanks for letting me know."

And he hung up.

It was nearing midnight, and Jason still hadn't left the loft. He'd turned off his cell phone and locked the door, wanting to be alone.

He opened the drawer that used to hold his shirts and was surprised to see that some were still there. He took his off, and put the clean one on. He stripped off his jeans until he was in just his boxers, and he climbed into their old bed.

Jason lay on her side of the bed, his face in her pillow, and he cried until he fell asleep.

* * *

He wore his leather jacket to her memorial. Courtney used to tease him about wearing it everywhere, even how he wanted to wear it at their wedding. He thought she would think it was funny if he wore it to remember her. 

Jason ignored the stares he got as he walked down the aisle to sit next to Sonny and Carly and a visibly upset Michael. He put his arm around the little boy and told him that it was okay to cry.

"I cried too Michael." He whispered into the boy's hair.

"You did?" He asked, settling those big eyes upon him.

"Yes."

"But I thought you didn't love her anymore. You got divorced and everything."

"I'll always love her buddy. Always."

Jason shot a glance at Carly, who had been listening to the conversation. She had tears rolling slowly down her face.

"We are gathered here today to remember an extraordinary woman. One who dedicated her life to her foundation, and her family, and her friends. I'd like to start off with her father, Mike, if you'd like to say a few words…"

Mike slowly got to his feet and went to the podium. His face was blotchy and red and he looked ill.

"I didn't deserve to… Courtney she…" Mike couldn't seem to get the words out, his grief was overcoming him too quickly.

Carly got up and guided Mike back to his seat, before going back up to the podium to speak about her friend.

She gazed at the picture they'd put up as she looked out over the people who'd come. The Quartermaines, Emily, Elizabeth and Lucky, Alexis and Ric, Lorenzo and Skye, Nikolas, Jax and his parents, and then there was Jason. Carly turned to the portrait and spoke, more to Courtney than to the audience.

"Courtney was more than just my friend. She was my sister in every sense of the word. She never let me down. I remember being jealous when you married Jason, Courtney." Carly saw him in the front row and smiled at him. "But I couldn't have picked two people better suited for each other. You were so brave, Courtney. And now you have a son. A beautiful baby boy, a fighter, just like you. I want you to know that you will never be forgotten. You will always be my best friend, and I wish I could talk to you right now. I wish you weren't gone…" Carly broke down in tears and let the pastor bring her back to her seat.

The crowd was silent, waiting for the next speaker to approach the podium. Sonny began to stand, and once he'd walked all the way up, he looked at her picture.

"I pushed my sister away. The day I found out I had a sister, I tried to control her." He broke off and looked at Jason. "I told her who to love, who to be with. I fired my best friend when I found out he was in love with my sister and refused to give her up. Instead of being happy that someone cared about Courtney that much, I got angry and protective."

Sonny paced, something he often did when he was nervous. He sighed before speaking again.

"Courtney loved her family. She wanted nothing more than to be a mother, and it isn't fair. It's not fair that she got to hold her son for five minutes. It isn't fair that that little boy will have to grow up without his mother. It isn't fair that Courtney was taken from the world, but I guess now we know it's true that God takes the best." He paused and spoke directly to Courtney.

"I'm sorry for everything that you suffered through because of me. I'm sorry for not getting to know you better. And I'm really sorry for pushing you away, for all the horrible things I said to you, and for trying to make decisions for you. I love you, Courtney."

Nikolas, Jax, and even Janine had spoken, and Jason knew that all eyes were on him. He'd wanted to go last, he thought to himself. So he stuck his hands in the pockets of his jeans and walked to the front of the portrait. He'd never know how long he stood there, frozen to the spot, wondering how the world could be so cruel. But he did know that standing there, he'd figured out exactly what he wanted to say.

"Courtney taught me everything I know about life." He gestured to the picture. "Everything I know about love." He felt tears begin to well up in the back of his eyes, and didn't bother to push them away. He'd done enough pushing in his life, Courtney had shown him that.

"I never knew what love was until I met her. It wasn't one of those love at first sight things. I admired her, and when she needed protection, I guarded her. Courtney was the strongest person I knew. She never gave up, never backed down. Her confidence was one of the reasons I fell in love with her."

Jason used the back of his hand to wipe away a stray tear. "I didn't expect to fall for my boss's little sister. I didn't expect that, one day, she'd mean everything to me. That she'd be everything to me. There was no one in my life that could hold a candle to what I felt for her."

He glanced to the back at Lorenzo, then to Ric, and continued on. "She knew the only life I had to offer her was one of violence, but she wanted it anyway. I remember when she told me she'd had a miscarriage, she thought that I wouldn't want to marry her anymore. And that confused me. I still loved her as much as I ever had. So what if we couldn't have a baby together? As long as I had Courtney, nothing else mattered."

"It shattered her. And watching it shatter her, broke me in two. We had to fight to make things better between us, and she fought to get over her grief of losing our baby with everything she had. Because that was how she was. Courtney was a fighter, and she fought to get her baby boy into this world, and once she had, it was all she cared about."

Jason could feel the warm tears going into the corners of his mouth, but made no move to stop them. "Courtney was selfless, she always had been. And I am so glad that she got to see her baby. All she ever wanted was to be a mother."

For the first time since he'd begun speaking, Jason looked up. He noticed that everyone in attendance was wiping away tears or dabbing at them with tissues.

"Words can't describe what I felt for her, what I feel now. I never got to say goodbye, to thank her for showing me what life was about. My years with Courtney taught me about love, laughter, grief and sadness. She taught me that it was okay to be myself around her, because she loved me anyway. She accepted me for who I was, and that shook me."

Jason turned once again to the portrait of Courtney and smiled for the first time he had in days.

"Thank you, Courtney. You taught me how to love, made me understand what life was all about. Without you, I probably would still be that cold hard shell I was when I first met you. I love you, I'll never forget you." And Jason turned away from Courtney, and walked down to his seat.

And he could have sworn he'd seen her smile.


End file.
